Miscellaneous Humor - page 6
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-- Walking Eagle
-- Jokes from Krainiak at the American Legion - 2/5/17
 
-- Holy Humor -- Getting Old in Florida

 Jokes from Krainiak at the American Legion 2/5/17

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
 

 President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of an American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.  he spoke for almost an hour about his plans for Increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes Presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."   The proud President Obama accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.

They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
 

 HOLY HUMOR

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young  boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?"  asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in  Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A Sunday School  teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the  kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?"  the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the  young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled,  "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter  what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute  wanted to know what to play.  "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll  have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."   At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
and that is how the substitute became the regular  organist!   

When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache.... When you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you reading it, he faints..... When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees..... And when you are about to forward this message... He will try and discourage you.. I just defeated him!!!  Any other takers? 
 

 GETTING OLD IN FLORIDA

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Longboat Key, Florida doing nothing.  One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?  The other replies, Oh sure I do.  The first old lady asks, What do you do about  it?  The second old lady replies, I suck a lifesaver. After a few moments, the first old lady slyly asked, Who drives you  to the beach?

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Anna Maria Island, Florida reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and  demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.  The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.  The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you said, but I remember the guy you're talking about. 

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.  A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.  After a few moments, the woman asks, Are you a stranger here? He replies, 'I lived here years ago. So, where were you all these years?  In prison, he says. Why did they put  you in prison? He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed  my wife. Oh! said the woman. So you're single.....

Two elderly people living in Lido Beach, Florida, he was a widower and she a widow, and had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the Club house.  The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally  gathered the courage to ask her, Will you marry me? After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered Yes, Yes, I will!  The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say yes or did she say 'no'?'  He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall.  Not even a faint memory.  With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.  First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?  He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart.'  Then she continued, 'And I'm glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.

A man was telling his neighbor in Port Charlotte, Florida I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.  It's perfect. Really, answered the neighbor, what kind is it? Twelve thirty.