Miscellaneous Humor - page 5
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-- Good joke
-- Grand Parents and Grand Kids
-- How to wash the cat
-- A Warm and Fuzzy for Grandpa
 
-- Little bruce and Jenny are in love
-- As my friend said - some of you deserve this
-- New Dog
-- A Male Fairy Tale
 
-- Streaking nude
-- Southern football
-- Route 24
--

 My Niece got a new dog to guard their house.   It was a little more than they wanted to pay, but when word gets out they should soon have a relatively crime free neighborhood. 


 A Male Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated Ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

---The End
 

 A Warm and Fuzzy for Grandpa

A six yearold goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak we're all going to Disneyland!"
 

 How to wash the cat.

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely Yours,

The Dog
 


 Route 24

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat, and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "24" was the Route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, "is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."
 

 Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,

Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny’s room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable,

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed

Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable

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 As my friend said - some of you deserve this.

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with -- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokes person was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that.. the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
 

 I LOVE A GOOD JOKE

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked uto the grouand asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. very confused. One of the workers looked uinto the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody uthere know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, 'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."
 

 If you ever get the sudden URGE to run around naked, You should sniff some Windex first.
It'll keeyou from streaking.
 

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
   
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
   
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,     "Who was THAT?"
   
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tyre; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."      The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.   At last she
said, "I sure wish I'd got to know you sooner!"
   
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
   
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.   "What's it about?" he asked.   "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
   
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
   
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keefrom attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
   
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
   
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."   The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keeher cool.   "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"   "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
   
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.   "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.   "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
   
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.       "They use him to keecrowds back," said one child.    "No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
   
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
   
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
   
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
   
    Have happy day!
 

 Southern football
 
Here’s why the SEC wins:
  
To all the football fans who are getting ready for the first game of the 2011 Football Season
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALLLLLLLL????? 
 
Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North.
 
For those who are planning a football trip to the South, here are some helpful hints:
 
Women's Accessories:
            NORTH: ChaStick in your back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
            SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, a compact, and a fifth bourbon.
            **Money is not necessary; that's what dates are for**
 
Stadium Size:
            NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
            SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
 
Fathers:
            NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
            SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
 
Campus or Stadium Decor:
            NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
            SOUTH: Statues of coaches who have won national championships and/or players who won Heisman trophy winners.
 
Homecoming Queen:
            NORTH: Also a physics major.
            SOUTH: Also Miss America ... and an English or Education major.
 
Heroes:
            NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
            SOUTH: Archie & Peyton & Eli Manning
 
Getting Tickets:
            NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
            SOUTH: 5 to 12 months before the game, you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution and put your name on a
            waiting list for tickets. Then PRAY!
 
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
            NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game because they have classes on Friday.
            SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
 
Parking:
            NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
            SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags & magnets begin arriving on Wed. for the weekend festivities. The faithful arrive on Tuesday.
 
Game Day:
            NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
            SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting 'Game Day Live' to get on
            camera and wave to the idiots uNorth who wonder why 'Game Day Live' is never broadcast from their campus.
 
Tailgating:
            NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
            SOUTH: A 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires uat dawn. Cooking is accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band,
            who comes over during breaks and asks for a hit off bottle of bourbon. Everybody brings every possible dish they know how to cook or prepare
            and SHARES with anyone that passes by.
 
Getting to the Stadium:
            NORTH: You ask 'Where's the stadium?'  When you find it, you walk right in.
            SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it is the state's third largest city.
 
Concessions:
            NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the towith soda.
            SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
 
When National Anthem is Played:
            NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of the fans stand up.
            SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
 
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
            NORTH: Nothing changes.
            SOUTH: Fireworks, gunpowder (from the cannon in the end zone), and a touch of bourbon.
 
Commentary during the game (Male):
            NORTH: 'Nice play.'
            SOUTH: 'Dammit, you slow summabitch -- tackle him and break his legs.'
 
Commentary during the game (Female):
            NORTH: 'My, this certainly is a violent sport.'
            SOUTH: 'Dammit, you slow sumbitch -- tackle him and break his legs.'
 
Announcers:
            NORTH: Neutral and paid.
            SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
 
After the Game:
            NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. Everyone heads home.
            SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and the planning
            begins for next week's game.  Let's get this party started!
 
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football