Miscellaneous Humor - page 4
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-- A little afternoon humor; enjoy!
-- Once upon a time
-- Pillsbury Doughboy died
-- Serious hearing problems
 
-- A Canadian, Osama bin Laden and a Texan
-- Great Self Defense Item
-- The Hormone Guide

 
-- Chinese Proverbs
-- An old Louisiana farmer
-- Folks from Texas
 

A little afternoon humor; enjoy!

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift..
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
 

 Once upon a time there lived a king that had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.

But there was a problem.   Everything the princess touched would melt.  No matter what it was, metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her.   Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired.

What could he do to help his daughter?   He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king,   'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.  The next day, he held a competition.

Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.  But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.  The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.   He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched them, and they melted.   He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached.   He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.' 

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard.  She held it in her hand.   And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed, everyone in the kingdom was overjoyed, the PRINCESS was cured.

The third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:

What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's..... of course!         They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What  were  you   thinking?
 

 Pillsbury Doughboy died
Please join me remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 81. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumbly day and kneads it.

 An elderly gentleman...Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
 

 A Canadian, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Palestine, Lebanon, Syria, Iraq, Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan and so that no infidels can come in our precious land."  POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
 

 Great Self Defense Item

The funniest part is the poor guy who not only bought the taser but admits to the story!  Read his job titile at the bottom.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple -a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet ca t. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy t riple-A batteries) thinking t o myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in t he oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the ; fireplace. How did they g et up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid

Mike Martin, Sgt.
Albemarle Police Dept.
School Resource Officer
Albemar le High School

 The Hormone Guide Women will understand this! Men should memorize it! Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!  
DANGEROUS:

SAFER:

SAFEST:

ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner?

Can I help you with dinner?

Where would you like to go for dinner?

Here, have some wine.

Are you wearing that?

Wow, you sure look good in brown!

WOW! Look at you!

Here, have some wine

What are you so worked up about?

Could we be overreacting?

Here's my paycheck.

Here, have some wine.

Should you be eating that?

You know, there are a lot of apples left.

Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

Here, have some wine.

What did you DO all day?

I hope you didn't over-do it today.

I've always loved you in that robe!

Here, have some wine.

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweat pants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff and my favorite one. 13. Potential Murder Suspect Forward this information to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh ...
and men who need a warning.  And remember: Money talks but Chocolate SINGS!!!
 


 CHINESE PROVERBS
Woman who keeps man in doghouse soon finds him in cathouse.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day also has no piece at night.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
 

 An old Louisiana farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out  plowing with his old mule, so he tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag... it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.  The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."  "And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
 

 Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas.

You may live in Texas:
If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend.
If you measure distance in hours.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybodys passing you.
If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly".
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Texas friends & others.

Need a vacation? Here is a list of actual places to travel to in Texas:

Need to be cheered up?
Happy, Texas 79042  -  Pep, Texas 79353  -  Smiley, Texas 78159  -  Paradise,Texas 76073  -  Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987  -  Comfort, Texas 78013  -  Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the Sun?  - 
Sun City, Texas 78628  -  Sunrise, Texas 76661  -  Sunset, Texas 76270  -  Sundown, Texas 79372  - 
Sunray, Texas 79086  -  Sunny Side, Texas 77423  - 

Want something to eat?
Bacon, Texas 76301  -  Noodle, Texas 79536  -  Oatmeal, Texas 78605  -  Turkey, Texas 79261  -  Trout, Texas 75789  - 
Sugar Land, Texas 77479  -  Salty, Texas 76567  -  Rice, Texas 75155  - 

And top it off with:
Sweetwater, Texas 79556  - 

Why travel to places? Texas has them all!
Detroit, Texas 75436  -  Colorado City, Texas 79512  -  Denver City, Texas 79323  -  Nevada, Texas 75173  - 
Memphis, Texas 79245  -  Miami, Texas 79059  -  Boston, Texas 75570  -  Santa Fe, Texas 77517  - 
Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861  -  Reno, Texas 75462  - 

Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!
Athens, Texas 75751  -  Canadian, Texas 79014  -  China, Texas 77613  -  Egypt, Texas 77436  -  Turkey, Texas 79261  - 
London, Texas 76854  -  New London, Texas 75682  -  Paris, Texas 75460  - 

No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse, Texas 75791  - 

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth, Texas 79031  - 

And a city named after our State!
Texas City, Texas 77590  - 

Exhausted?
Energy, Texas 76452  - 

Cold?
Blanket, Texas 76432  -  Winters, Texas  - 

Like to read about History?
Santa Anna, Texas  -  Goliad, Texas  -  Alamo, Texas  -  Gun Barrel City, Texas  - 

Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670  - 

Men are from Mars, Women are from  Venus, Texas 76084  - 

You guessed it... it's on the state line...
Texline, Texas 79087  - 

For the kids...
Kermit, Texas 79745  -  Elmo, Texas 75118  -  Nemo, Texas 76070  -  Tarzan, Texas 79783  -  Winnie, Texas 77665  - 
Sylvester, Texas 79560  - 

Other city names in Texas, to make you smile..... :
Frognot, Texas 75424  -  Bigfoot, Texas 78005  -  Hogeye, Texas 75423  -  Cactus, Texas 79013  -  Notrees, Texas 79759  - 
Best, Texas 76932  -  Veribest, Texas 76886  -  Kickapoo, Texas 75763  -  Dime Box, Texas  -  Telephone, Texas 75488  - 
Telegraph, Texas 76883  -  Whiteface, Texas 79379  -  Twitty, Texas 79079  - 

The Anti-Al Gore City
Kilgore, Texas 75662  - 

P.S. Whoops, left out
Muleshoe  -  Cut'n shoot,  -  Hoot And Holler,  -  Ding Dong,  -  Farewell, Texas  - 

And, of course, there is a place in Texas that is......
KNOTT, TEXAS