Miscellaneous Humor - page 3
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Best Lawyer-Insurance Story of the year
Killer jigsaw puzzle
Melissa's Comfort for the World

 
My new boyfiirnds
Proofreading is a dying art
 
Retired Husband
They walk among us

 I feel like a VALEDICTORIAN !!!!! 
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00.
I said "May I have large bills, please".
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'  This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, NO, it's not, four is larger than two.
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said
'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'  The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'   He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.   I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.   I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'   She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully,
'This is fun. We should do this more often.'    Not another word was spoken.   We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of herself, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name, "Le-a"?   Leah?? NO   Lee - A?? NOPE   Lay - a?? NO   Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.   Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".    When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said,
"the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

They walk among us - and they VOTE - and even worse some hold office.   Well what do you expect, birds of a feather.
 

Ireland

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end.

I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!

And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so id I! Tell me,what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!

I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight!

Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
 

 BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina .

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.   Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.   In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'   The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!  ---   STAY WITH ME.


Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.   The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.


NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ....

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS
 

 A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"  The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............






"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 

 MY NEW BOYFRIENDS - I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day!

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he's here, he takes up a lot of my time & attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day.

He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired & very glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life!

Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer, Or whatever his name is, I forget!   Now I'm thinking of calling Jose Cuervo to come over and keep me company.

Now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper.....the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. So have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and 'count your blessings.
 


RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to the both the ladies and men’s restrooms.

4.. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9 September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:


15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

"Small things to a Giant"
 

Melissa's Comfort for the World

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine”s Day.

“Since Valentine”s Day is for a Christian saint, and we”re Jewish,” she asks, “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa”s father thinks a bit, then says: “No, I don”t think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden?” her father asks in shock.

“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we”re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he”d love everyone a lot. And then he”d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn”t hate anyone anymore.”

Her father”s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. “Melissa, that”s the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.”

I know, Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard.” :-D
 

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.   It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!    They put in a correction the next day.

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

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